“Benjamin” 

 

You taught me early on

So many things I do are wrong

I should just do what I’m told

And my desires are unnatural

 

Oh Benjamin 

How dare you?!

 

I can’t be myself when you’re around 

If I hide myself I can’t be found

I’m so far away from what you tolerate 

But can’t keep up this masquerade 

I won’t hide myself anymore 

And I'm taking back my name

 

You’ve passed your sickness unto me

Now I’m appalled by what I see

It’s probably just jealousy

But if I don’t speak up I might crumble 

 

Oh Benjamin 

Shame on you!

 

I can’t be myself when you’re around 

If I hide myself I can’t be found

I’m so far away from what you tolerate 

But can’t keep up this masquerade 

I won’t hide myself anymore 

And I'm taking back my name

 

Benjamin

I’ll pray for you

 

“Sinking” 

 

As the veil permeates 

I want to dive in but there’s hesitation 

Something is holding me back from ascending 

I’m tied to the womb and it’s pulling me under 

I can feel the void begging me to

Cut the ties preventing my full submersion 

But my heart betrays me in the

Grips of terror I am staring my death in the face and begging it to take me

 

Take me 

 

I want to see what lies beyond the curtain 

I want to know the man who’s 

Pulling the strings so I can finally 

Feel what it means to know myself 

 

I’m sinking 

Sinking deeper going under

 

As the boarder evaporates

As my breath is swallowed I accept my fate

See I don’t mind dying its eternal life that is so terrifying 

If I’m breathing then I know I'm dreaming

 

Dreaming 

 

I’ve been praying for an answer 

Waiting for the mirror to

Show me something that will let me

Feel that it’s safe to be myself 

 

I’m sinking deeper

 

I’ve been treading water for so long 

I don’t think that I can

Keep my head above the water for much longer so 

 

I’m sinking 

 

 

“The Witness”

 

It’s been so long since

I have felt this

Emptiness so deep inside

It’s paralyzed me

Immobilized me

There’s no way to do this right

 

Struggling with my darkest thoughts 

Straining to see through the fog

The clarity that I once had

Slips like sand right through my hands

 

I’ve cherished life

Savored breath

Don’t want to fight

To not fade away

The feelings I

Don’t want to face

Are tearing me up inside 

I’m holding on to life

 

The stabbing calls me

To the wounding

My impending punishment 

But in the grieving 

I come undone 

Untie the knots the pain has spun

 

The hurting is all that I have

To keep me to the witness stand

And even though I wish it might

Suicide won’t end the ride 

 

I’ve cherished life

Savored breath

Don’t want to fight

To not fade away

The feelings I

Don’t want to face

Are tearing me up inside 

I’m holding on to life

 

Scared of what I might

Do to myself if

I am left alone

So I’m holding I'm

Struggling with my darkest thoughts 

Straining to see through the fog

The clarity that I once had

Slips like sand right through my hands

 

I’ve cherished life

Savored breath

Don’t want to fight

To not fade away

The feelings I

Don’t want to face

Are tearing me up inside 

I’m holding on to life

 

Scared of what I might

Do to myself if

I am left alone

So I’m holding tight

To the pain that is

Keeping me inside

It’s the only thing

Keeping me alive

 

“Intimacy”

 

In the grips of loneliness 

I reach for someone to

Come fill the empty space

In reaching I found you

 

But it's too much for me to take

Pushing this away, keeping myself safe

This cycle is going to make me break

Loneliness remains, it's driving me insane 

 

I know I'm just running from this

When I try to pull you in

You can't take this from me anyway 

 

In your arms I fall asleep

And it takes me to this place

I finally feel complete 

When I look into your face

 

It's too much for me to take

Pushing this away, keeping myself safe

This cycle is going to make me break

Loneliness remains, it's driving me insane 

I can't keep pushing you away

Begging you to stay, keep the emptiness at bay

 

I know I'm just running from this

When I try to pull you in

And no one can take the emptiness away

 

It was all a fantasy 

In reality 

I can't give this away

But I still want someone who will stay

 

“Philiac”

 

Taken by these strange desires

Driven by a need to heal

Feeling my potency 

Gives a deeper

Sense of me

 

I am proving that I have

Impacted you all this time

You are feeling the containment

That you’ve needed all along

 

Please won’t you take this for me?

I need you to help me release 

Hold on and bite down

I’ll give you what you need

Breathe deep and stay inside 

Allow this moment to teach

Cause we need to work this shit out

Find the missing piece 

 

Find the missing piece 

 

You need sterner measures

Too keep yourself in line

I provide discipline 

Together we are 

Transcending sin

 

This is not dysfunction 

We are consciously working 

Through the years of trauma and

Conditioning and it is

Finally sequencing through my feet

I know it might seem perverse but if you

Try it you might find that you become complete

 

You might find a missing piece

 

I am proving that I have

Impacted you all this time

You are feeling the containment

That you’ve needed all along

I am coming face to face with

My convictions hard wired

We are starting dialogue between 

The truth and what is taught

 

Please won’t you take this for me?

I need you to help me release 

Hold on and bite down

I’ll give you what you need

Breathe deep and stay inside 

Allow this moment to teach

Cause we need to work this shit out

Find the missing piece 

 

Find the missing peace

 

“Unsure”

 

Spineless

Hunched over 

Sheepish

Curled inward

 

Pretending 

I am worthless 

Ignoring my

Significance 

 

I can’t keep being so unsure

This indecision’s so obscure 

 

I have been too accommodating 

Why do I sacrifice myself?

I won’t let fear of abandonment 

Keep me from standing my ground

 

No I can’t keep being so unsure

This indecision’s so obscure 

 

Sequencing my energy 

To influence you at your foundation 

I can’t deny my primal nature 

Claiming my inherent dominance 

 

Now I can’t keep being so unsure

This indecision’s so obscure

There’s no need to be insecure 

I know what I want and I’m sure

I’m sure

 

 

“The changes constant”

 

This moment eternal

Beneath the shroud

Experience everlasting

 

Awareness observing

The changes constant

I give myself to this transformation

 

I can't watch these changes

It's too much for me

Who am I without this?

 

The changes surround me

Her arms around me

She reminds me I'm always embraced

 

I can't swallow these changes

Everything is evaporating 

 

But I trust the voice

Telling me I have choice

And it’s ok if I choose

To walk away

 

I have a choice 

And I choose 

Not to watch

As you fade

I can’t see

You melt away

 

 

“Totality”

 

Growing weary 

Of needing permission 

I am finished

Apologizing

Shedding my

Shame and negligence

Leaving my

Collapsing spinelessness 

Behind

Finally aligned 

 

I’m craving connection 

Needing alignment 

When I feel the connection 

I’m evolving in alignment totality 

Take these burdens and burn them all away

 

I promise myself 

To turn the other way

I have no tolerance 

For this unkindness 

I won’t let this

Make me structureless 

I can transform this

Release the anguish

 

And grieve

The agony

 

I feel connection 

And savor alignment 

When I feel the connection 

I’m evolving in alignment totality 

 

With these tears I will wash it all away

 

My heart is breaking

Let it fall apart

What’s underneath is

Cherished sacredness 

Nourish myself 

Come back to center

Feel the grief

Let it release

 

So I can 

Finally breathe

 

“Embodied” 

 

Cold and terrified 

Senses fleeting 

My connection to my body’s leaving

It’s just a way to preserve my flesh

So I’m holding on

 

I'll fight to stay with myself 

And embrace what is happening 

I’ll stay with my sensations

Even though it's nauseating 

I’ll experience the misery

For a taste of my humanity 

I vow to stay embodied 

Though it's excruciating 



Overwhelmed 

It’s too real

Make me numb

Don’t want to feel



I can’t keep on dissociating

It’s time to stay here

I can’t keep waiting 



Numb and mortified 

The voice down deep is

Calling me to hear 

My heart that’s screaming 

It is a way 

To understand myself 

So I'm listening 



I'll fight to stay with myself 

And embrace what is happening 

I’ll stay with my sensations

Even though it's nauseating 

I’ll experience the misery

For a taste of my humanity 

I vow to stay embodied 

Though it's excruciating 

I know this hurts right now

But I'll be grateful for this in the end

I know this hurts right now

But I will take and pleasure once again

 

I stare into the mirror

At two conflicting pieces 

I surrender to the burden

The inevitable discomfort 

 

I can't avoid the turmoil

Its just part of being human

The heaviness surrounds me

I'm chained to my affection 

 

This is not an act of service 

This is my oxygen

I can’t survive without this

I've seen where that road ends

 

Either way I will be tortured

But this way provides a taste

Of the sweet sense of purpose 

Only few embrace

 

I'll fight to stay with myself 

And embrace what is happening 

I’ll stay with my sensations

Though it’s excruciating 

The sorrow is essential

To this sweet and blissful harmony

And If I can stay embodied 

I’ll experience humanity

I know this hurts right now

But I'll be grateful for this in the end

I know this hurts right now

But I will take and pleasure once again.

 

Forgiveness

I'm born, thrive and die

All at the same time

Been killed so many times now

The truth can't be disguised

 

I am the condemned, the noose and the executioner

The bullet, the victim and the slaughterer

The incantation, the wand, the sorcerer

The sword, the audience and the swallower

Simultaneously

 

Can you feel the pain

As the life drains from my eyes?

The pain you feel is yours

Its the pain of suicide

 

I forgive you for destroying me

 

Can you see the light

As the wonder fills my eyes?

The light you see is yours

Its the reaction to your fright

 

Because every time you kill me

We see our indestructibility

 

Birth, life, death, 

Rebirth, life, death,

Rebirth, life, death,

Rebirth, life, death,

Rebirth, life, death,

Rebirth, life, death,

Rebirth, life, death,

Rebirth, life, death,

REBIRTH!

 

Can you feel the pain

As the life drains from my eyes?

The life you see is yours

The pain is suicide

 

I forgive you for destroying me

 

Can you see the light

As the wonder fills my eyes

The light you see is you

So don't look so terrified

 

Because every time you kill me

We see our indestructibility

 

Memories Of Yesterday 

(This song is dedicated to Ann Loomis and the work we do together)

 

I’m dreading the break of day

When memories fade away

I know what you’ll say

I know you can’t stay

 

My heartache’s here to stay

The burning just won’t fade

Memories of yesterday

Slowly slip away

 

It’s so hard to master

Judgeless witness

I’m going to the center

To let myself become this

Consumed by the burning

Swallowed by the yearning

I can never fill this

I can only feel this

 

I cannot fight this helpless vortex

Suck me up, swallow me whole.

 

 It’s so hard to master

Judgeless witness

I’m going to the center

To let myself become this

Consumed by the burning

Swallowed by the yearning

I can never fill this

I can only feel this

I can never feel this hole

I can only feel this pull

I can never fill this hole

I can only feel this pulling me to pieces. 

 

The Essence

I see that the essence

Of everything is that it is

It is harmless, it is so benign,

It is meaningless till we add the mind

I will play with all the sand,

Making castles and destroying them

It is all I want, it is all I know;

To create the world and then watch it grow

 

The pain is the same

As the pleasure on this level.

 

Don’t lose yourself

Don’t lose yourself

 

Give yourself to the essence

Surrender to sensation

 

Little pieces breaking

Falling from my throne

How’d I find myself here?

Take me to my home.

When the light of day

Seems so far away

Just give yourself to the essence

And the space between

What we are and what we see

Vanishes Instantly.

 

The Word Source (Feat. Bentinho Massaro)

Let’s have a look at the word Source

The word Source means that it’s not whatever you see

But that it’s the source OF whatever you see

The very word source implies that you can never find it

For whatever you find is not it

It’s the Source of whatever’s experienceable

So simply ask yourself “What is the source of my present experience?" 

 

Return To Nothing

The barren wasteland

Is the keeper of secrets

The key to the deathless

The door to the seamless

 

What was I before I was

A thousand eyes and one?

What is the source

Of the roots of perception?

As the night of Brahma comes

Swallows up everything

There is life in the darkness

And the day will dawn again

 

This is the nature

Of eternity

This is just a fragment

Of infinity

 

Someday I will return to nothing

I will return to nothing

Everything turns to nothing

And I will return to nothing

 

Someday I will return to nothing

Everything turns to nothing

I will return to nothing

Everything will return to nothing.

 

Complaisance

Locked down, fading, helpless,

Dragged down by the claw

Waiting, patience draining,

I can’t take this anymore

 

I’m freeing myself of

The burden of needing

My only sovereignty

Is choosing my being

 

Will you take my hand and

Guide me to the wall?

I want to look over

The edge and take the fall

 

The state is always chosen but the

Decision is always mine to make

When I’m tied and frozen

There is no one but myself to blame

This is my creation and I

Made it so I could come to know pain

As I stand here crying I

Realize that I enjoy the rain.

 

I’m freeing myself of

The burden of needing

My only sovereignty

Is choosing my being

 

Flying as I’m drowning,

No difference anymore

Satisfaction is all

That I can control

 

CONSUMED

Curiosity innocently playing

Wanting to see all the shapes created

Judgelessly consumed by it’s own creation

Fearlessly unmoved, free of hesitation

All that is approved by its very nature

All embracing your innocent behavior

Guilt belongs to none, every thing is done by

All that is The One

 

THE SERPENT

You need this

It’s all for you to receive this

I’m telling you, you deserve this

We’re healing you, don’t reject this

It’s not too good to be true

 

The patterns on the floor

Plastered to my eyes

Now begins the show

A spectacle of sight

She will take her toll

She shows you your insides

It’s something to behold

She shows you it’s alright

 

The serpent

Is eating you to digest you

Purify your delusions

Piercing you and preventing

Your nourishment

 

The patterns on the floor

Plastered to my eyes

Now begins the show

A spectacle of sight

She will take her toll

She shows you your insides

It’s something to behold

She shows you it’s alright

 

Drink from

The river of the vastness

Holding you and supporting

Your position, embracing

Your entirety

 

The patterns on the floor

Plastered to my eyes

Now begins the show

A spectacle of sight

She will take her toll

She shows you your insides

It’s something to behold

She shows you it’s alright

 

Quadrant

(This song is dedicated to my parents, thank you for showing me what it means to be a human being. It is also dedicated to Alicia Patterson and Ann Loomis for providing essential support in the creation of this song.)

 

I can hate you, blame you, curse your name

Say that things won’t be the same

I’m leaving. You’ll never see me again

This is goodbye my friend.

 

If I don’t feel the hate

I will just invalidate

The terrified screaming babe

The weeping child who’s been betrayed.

 

Discerning all of my sensations

Turning ‘round to face within

I’m hoping I can find the patience

To hold this without caving in

 

I’m earning all of my redemption

I’m paying with my suffering

I’m making pain to justify this

Atone for my unconscious sins.

 

Looking into your eyes

Hoping I can find

Someone to help me survive

Someone to keep me alive

 

Hold me in your arms

Please won’t you keep me breathing

Give to me all your fears

Tell me how I am wrong

Show me what it means

To be a human being.

 

Human Being

 

Veil Of Doubt

 

I can see you walking through the forest in a landslide

The veil of doubt has shrouded you from seeing your potential

But you can't escape your destiny, there's nothing that you can do

To stop the cloud from bursting, to stop the dam from breaking

To stop the wave from crashing, to stop the sun from shining

 

I hear your voice calling me, its beaconing, Its whispering, It sings:

 

Can you follow me into the darkness and the light

There is no need to let fear of pain keep you from living life

But how will I survive if I let you see my insides?

I am so ashamed of all the things I've spent my life trying to hide

How could you ever look at me with so much love in your eyes?

I want to see what you see but I don't believe that its right

But I'm so tired of holding on and shielding myself

From the things I want because I am so terrified of losing them

I'm letting go of any place where I'm convinced I'm right

I'm ready to see the darkness is embraced all the time

Well freedom is not painless but it sure is paradise

I am feeling everything because its all a part of the ride.

 

As it softens, its deepening.