Ethereal Self
I feel severed from
My ethereal self
Physical density
Stifled sacred wealth
I’ve kept this secret for
So long I can’t endure
Holding the weight of guilt
I reject the impure
This sacrament has
Saved me from the deepest water
It can replenish
My ethereal self
I won’t repent
This exploration is my right
It’s my mind
To do with what I like
I fear losing my
Stable foundation
That I’ve worked so hard
To make internal
But I won’t go insane
If I choose to imbibe
As long as I respect
This consciousness alive
Though it’s no longer a lifeline anymore
And I don’t need it to see what this is all for
I hear you calling to travel outside of what is physical, what is tangible
Now that I have learned how
To inhabit my
Physical existence
I want a glimpse of another side
To see the boundless
To be what’s everlasting
To shift perspective
To see the transparency of my impermanence
My Encumbrance
I can’t forgive this
It’s all my fault
Discrepancies so upsetting
It’s the only way that I’ll allow
I can trace this
To before annunciation
I can see the embryo
Its begging for contact
Just to be heard
To be truly understood
To find some semblance
A taste of resonance
Won’t you share this
misery here with me?
It’s so lonely here at the bottom
I’d do anything to be free
Of this encumbrance
An innate responsibility
For my emotions
Don’t want to feel guilty or
I’ll make you feel this
Because I can’t express this need
Take my hurting
And responsibility
I know this looks exactly like neglect but
This is just a memory
Of my initial solitude
You’re alone too
Do you owe me comfort?
Is this all out of spite?
Though it’s taxing to admit
This is my encumbrance
You are not my enemy
You’re just a reflection
The desire for vengeance
Is truly fucking juvenile
My retaliation
Is blinding me from seeing
The path away from this
Persistent pattern
When what I need
Is veiled and unseen
Find autonomy
Find autonomy or
You’ll make me feel this
Because you can’t express this need
Use my weakness
To manipulate me but
This is not my responsibility
You must find autonomy
I am not who wronged you
I’m alone too
My encumbrance
Is also my gift
It’s taught me how to observe
How to be self aware
But only with
The willingness
To be challenged,
To choose immensity
Though it’s my encumbrance
It’s also my currency
To stay empowered
Find humility
In infinite gratitude
I can be assured
This feeling is mine
Existence confirmed
The Insipidness
This potent hunger
Drives this obsession
Deeply ingrained
Crippling persistence
It’s so hard to follow
In your footsteps
To be inspired
And forge my own path
Losing touch with the magic
The alchemy in the sound
It all dismantled pieces
Cohesion stripped away
This is my expression
Differentiations elusive
Every piece seems the same
Pursuit of individuation
Masks my fingerprint
To endure this doubt
I must accept the insipidness
As the foundation of the
Deepest freshness
It’s our nature to consume
As digestion breeds inspiration
This plant needs water
It’s food will color it’s taste
Consume the nectar of muses
To sing of my legend
I’m consumer of influence and experience
My path is unique and soon this plant will blossom
I am here
Ready eager
Send me to the wound
Before it starts to fester
We are creator and destroyer
consumer and the architect
False Prophet
Ridding myself of all the ways that
I have worshiped this
Falsified idolized version of
Myself all this time
This map has been programmed
By the conspirator
To keep me looking over my shoulder
Second guessing my gut
Divide and conquer
You better choose sides
There’s gonna be a reckoning
And you don’t want to be washed out with the tide
When I’m at war with myself
I’m blinded by design
Estranged from my sovereignty
And dependent on your control
My indulgence is your demise
My doubt keeps you clinging to life
We’ve robbed ourselves of
Truths in our primal essence
In exchange for comfort
Now we’re ripe for conquest
He’ll put the jungle in your mind
So these fears run wild
Until you’re disenfranchised
Then offer you salvation
Disguised as the emissary
I’ll swindle you into slavery
And adorn you with holy shackles
Then praise you for your service
Just take my hand and I’ll make it right
I just need to be idolized
Clarity and liberation
Locked away for your protection
One freedom at a time
I will make you mine
I’ve been beat into submission
Turned against myself
Estranged from my sovereignty
And dependent on your control
My doubt keeps you clinging to life
My indulgence is your demise
I am no longer your marionette
I’m cutting the strings that tie me to your hands.
Movements
My confusion
Is overwhelming
Understanding
Is made of pieces of the
Thing that has been
So perplexing
What if all that
I’ve perceived
Is from what’s real
Despite how foreign
It seems to feel?
My mind hungers for
An explanation
It must pacify
The fundamental agitation
All it draws on is
Material and formations
From it’s span of time
In this world of substance
Now I wonder is this bodiless
World in my mind?
The life form that I am inside
This breath, this flesh can’t be denied
The truest thing that I can find
Is that understanding is what I decide
Purpose is a feeling
Singing me to deepening
It resides in my fibers
And transcends my thinking mind
This invitation
Is singing me in to
Deepening
Perseverance
Opening
To novelty in this
Space and time
Focused energy
On what I want
On what I need
This honesty
Brings harmony
Being seen in
Fearless vulnerability
Movements draw me close
To the intention of the
Fundamental
Confusion of being
Only soothed
Immersed in solidity
If I can breathe through my skin
I can taste the intention
Showered in earth I’ll drink the sky
To caress what is alive
Origin
Holding close this
Vital impetus
Smelling the scent
Of the untouched
Purity heals me
Enlivens me, revives me
The howling wind
Calls to my spirit
Listen
Lean in and hear this
Origin
Whisper truths to mend this
Fusion
Between our roots and our evolution
I can feel the story of the land
I remember each and every life
Tales whispered on the wind
Traced back to the origin
This evolution is natural
It's time to find integration
It is just reversion
If everything is wiped out
The circuitry will rise again
Doesn’t have to mean annihilation
If we listen
The Goddess Death
It’s always looming
My impending decay
It’s always haunting
Until I embrace
The inescapable
Termination
Of all I’ve been
In this formation
As I feel
The emptiness
It becomes me
Soothes my flesh
I know this place
And her embrace
It’s so familiar
I’ve been here before
I surrender
To her grace
Watch her as she
Terminates
Everything I am
She slits my throat
The truth pours out
And I finally feel the warmth
The vibrance has been hindered
I must break through this congestion
As I breathe through the denseness
I’m face to face with the nothingness
This pain is all that I have
It’s teaching me the balance
Showing me the dissonance
To behold
The trust
The knowing
The purpose
The purity
The Great Maker
Is The Goddess Death
Now is my time
To face oblivion
And become one
Always was
Always am
Whole
Nothing
Left standing
Between me and the abyss
Light is dimming
Breathing fades
Pulse is slowing
As I slip away
Life is dimming
Breathing fades away
Pulse is stopping
Starting my decay.
Paper Tiger
Persisting visions of disintegration
Endings sudden unforeseen
So used to the bottom dropping
Does this feeling mean it’s over?
Creation is unified
Limitations self imposed
Clinging to my smallness
I climb inside the vesicle
As I now metabolize
Newness here inside
I expand to the edges
Membrane of the confines
Like Sunset into moonrise
Decomposition’s feeding
That which survives
Every new expansion is
The infrastructure of the
Following maturation
Proceeding habitation
When I no longer
Avoid the transitions
I am impenetrable
I become unbound
A seed of vitality
Sprouting vibrance inside of me
Given permission to grow
Expansive, light and intoxicating
Childlike innocence
Swirling, mixing
Soothe the shepherd
This tiger’s paper
Transform vigilance
Allow the permanence
I’m ascending hand in hand
With ripening and decay
I must fathom each of them
To attain this vital vision
I can hold all this potential
Inside me this seed is
Emanating cosmic gospel
Soothing the watchful eye
Of the shepherd tending me
Guarding my life, my breath
I know this looks like the end
But these are just the pains of growth
Peaceful turbidity
Beautiful tragedy
Every possibility
But not the one that I expect
Succulent carnage
Death is a judgeless
Harmless paper tiger
Granting your watch’s end
Death is a harmless paper tiger
Death is a judgeless paper tiger
Death is a harmless paper tiger
Granting the end of your need to survive
Pupa
Begin the breakdown of
Our juvenile infatuation
With the state of denial
I’m not bleeding
I feel nothing
I’m immune to pain
Refuting
Our natural
Vivacity
So avoidant of
Addressing
Any of this discomfort
We’re stagnant in action
Perpetual worrying
How will I
Make the ends meet?
It’s all up to me
Worth enmeshed
In success
Freedom in rest
Robbed of our humanity
Paralysis’ hold like
Moth eaten curtains
Eventually light shines
In through the holes
In through the holes
With each beam appearing
Each ray is signaling
The metamorphosis
Of these larval structures
Just lift this ancient weight
The moth will be our savior
Breaking these old manacles
Spitting rust on the bonds
Salting the leech
What lies beyond the reshaping
I have to believe it’s welcome
The sculptor is the vision
It is morphing itself
This is the end
And a new beginning
Beyond the pupa
We’ll emerge alated
Just lift this ancient weight
Begin the final molting
Find the due stillness
Beneath this old skin is
Chrysalis
Commence the metamorphosis
The transfiguration
We’ll emerge alated
It’s time to enter the pupa
Now here inside
I see the liquidation
Of old cornerstones
Amputated limitations
The self digestion
During pupation
Protect what's vital
For reintegration
This new blueprint
Will soon reach maturation
Prime this carcass
For assimilation
Impossible ways of being
Finally taking shape
I can see them forming
I can hear them resonating
Structures propagating
Strengthened by old defenses
I can see the crack where
This organism could emerge
Begin the final molting
Find the due stillness
Beneath this old skin is
Chrysalis
Commence the metamorphosis
The transfiguration
Soon emerge alated
There’s no escaping the pupa
There's no need to panic
It’s nothing so elaborate
I’m speaking in metaphor
But I think that this organism’s growing wings
The form we’re shedding
Is that of ignorance
And immorality
And that’s good fucking riddance.
“Benjamin”
You taught me early on
So many things I do are wrong
I should just do what I’m told
And my desires are unnatural
Oh Benjamin
How dare you?!
I can’t be myself when you’re around
If I hide myself I can’t be found
I’m so far away from what you tolerate
But can’t keep up this masquerade
I won’t hide myself anymore
And I'm taking back my name
You’ve passed your sickness unto me
Now I’m appalled by what I see
It’s probably just jealousy
But if I don’t speak up I might crumble
Oh Benjamin
Shame on you!
I can’t be myself when you’re around
If I hide myself I can’t be found
I’m so far away from what you tolerate
But can’t keep up this masquerade
I won’t hide myself anymore
And I'm taking back my name
Benjamin
I’ll pray for you
“Sinking”
As the veil permeates
I want to dive in but there’s hesitation
Something is holding me back from ascending
I’m tied to the womb and it’s pulling me under
I can feel the void begging me to
Cut the ties preventing my full submersion
But my heart betrays me in the
Grips of terror I am staring my death in the face and begging it to take me
Take me
I want to see what lies beyond the curtain
I want to know the man who’s
Pulling the strings so I can finally
Feel what it means to know myself
I’m sinking
Sinking deeper going under
As the boarder evaporates
As my breath is swallowed I accept my fate
See I don’t mind dying its eternal life that is so terrifying
If I’m breathing then I know I'm dreaming
Dreaming
I’ve been praying for an answer
Waiting for the mirror to
Show me something that will let me
Feel that it’s safe to be myself
I’m sinking deeper
I’ve been treading water for so long
I don’t think that I can
Keep my head above the water for much longer so
I’m sinking
“The Witness”
It’s been so long since
I have felt this
Emptiness so deep inside
It’s paralyzed me
Immobilized me
There’s no way to do this right
Struggling with my darkest thoughts
Straining to see through the fog
The clarity that I once had
Slips like sand right through my hands
I’ve cherished life
Savored breath
Don’t want to fight
To not fade away
The feelings I
Don’t want to face
Are tearing me up inside
I’m holding on to life
The stabbing calls me
To the wounding
My impending punishment
But in the grieving
I come undone
Untie the knots the pain has spun
The hurting is all that I have
To keep me to the witness stand
And even though I wish it might
Suicide won’t end the ride
I’ve cherished life
Savored breath
Don’t want to fight
To not fade away
The feelings I
Don’t want to face
Are tearing me up inside
I’m holding on to life
Scared of what I might
Do to myself if
I am left alone
So I’m holding I'm
Struggling with my darkest thoughts
Straining to see through the fog
The clarity that I once had
Slips like sand right through my hands
I’ve cherished life
Savored breath
Don’t want to fight
To not fade away
The feelings I
Don’t want to face
Are tearing me up inside
I’m holding on to life
Scared of what I might
Do to myself if
I am left alone
So I’m holding tight
To the pain that is
Keeping me inside
It’s the only thing
Keeping me alive
“Intimacy”
In the grips of loneliness
I reach for someone to
Come fill the empty space
In reaching I found you
But it's too much for me to take
Pushing this away, keeping myself safe
This cycle is going to make me break
Loneliness remains, it's driving me insane
I know I'm just running from this
When I try to pull you in
You can't take this from me anyway
In your arms I fall asleep
And it takes me to this place
I finally feel complete
When I look into your face
It's too much for me to take
Pushing this away, keeping myself safe
This cycle is going to make me break
Loneliness remains, it's driving me insane
I can't keep pushing you away
Begging you to stay, keep the emptiness at bay
I know I'm just running from this
When I try to pull you in
And no one can take the emptiness away
It was all a fantasy
In reality
I can't give this away
But I still want someone who will stay
“Philiac”
Taken by these strange desires
Driven by a need to heal
Feeling my potency
Gives a deeper
Sense of me
I am proving that I have
Impacted you all this time
You are feeling the containment
That you’ve needed all along
Please won’t you take this for me?
I need you to help me release
Hold on and bite down
I’ll give you what you need
Breathe deep and stay inside
Allow this moment to teach
Cause we need to work this shit out
Find the missing piece
Find the missing piece
You need sterner measures
Too keep yourself in line
I provide discipline
Together we are
Transcending sin
This is not dysfunction
We are consciously working
Through the years of trauma and
Conditioning and it is
Finally sequencing through my feet
I know it might seem perverse but if you
Try it you might find that you become complete
You might find a missing piece
I am proving that I have
Impacted you all this time
You are feeling the containment
That you’ve needed all along
I am coming face to face with
My convictions hard wired
We are starting dialogue between
The truth and what is taught
Please won’t you take this for me?
I need you to help me release
Hold on and bite down
I’ll give you what you need
Breathe deep and stay inside
Allow this moment to teach
Cause we need to work this shit out
Find the missing piece
Find the missing peace
“Unsure”
Spineless
Hunched over
Sheepish
Curled inward
Pretending
I am worthless
Ignoring my
Significance
I can’t keep being so unsure
This indecision’s so obscure
I have been too accommodating
Why do I sacrifice myself?
I won’t let fear of abandonment
Keep me from standing my ground
No I can’t keep being so unsure
This indecision’s so obscure
Sequencing my energy
To influence you at your foundation
I can’t deny my primal nature
Claiming my inherent dominance
Now I can’t keep being so unsure
This indecision’s so obscure
There’s no need to be insecure
I know what I want and I’m sure
I’m sure
“The changes constant”
This moment eternal
Beneath the shroud
Experience everlasting
Awareness observing
The changes constant
I give myself to this transformation
I can't watch these changes
It's too much for me
Who am I without this?
The changes surround me
Her arms around me
She reminds me I'm always embraced
I can't swallow these changes
Everything is evaporating
But I trust the voice
Telling me I have choice
And it’s ok if I choose
To walk away
I have a choice
And I choose
Not to watch
As you fade
I can’t see
You melt away
“Totality”
Growing weary
Of needing permission
I am finished
Apologizing
Shedding my
Shame and negligence
Leaving my
Collapsing spinelessness
Behind
Finally aligned
I’m craving connection
Needing alignment
When I feel the connection
I’m evolving in alignment totality
Take these burdens and burn them all away
I promise myself
To turn the other way
I have no tolerance
For this unkindness
I won’t let this
Make me structureless
I can transform this
Release the anguish
And grieve
The agony
I feel connection
And savor alignment
When I feel the connection
I’m evolving in alignment totality
With these tears I will wash it all away
My heart is breaking
Let it fall apart
What’s underneath is
Cherished sacredness
Nourish myself
Come back to center
Feel the grief
Let it release
So I can
Finally breathe
“Embodied”
Cold and terrified
Senses fleeting
My connection to my body’s leaving
It’s just a way to preserve my flesh
So I’m holding on
I'll fight to stay with myself
And embrace what is happening
I’ll stay with my sensations
Even though it's nauseating
I’ll experience the misery
For a taste of my humanity
I vow to stay embodied
Though it's excruciating
Overwhelmed
It’s too real
Make me numb
Don’t want to feel
I can’t keep on dissociating
It’s time to stay here
I can’t keep waiting
Numb and mortified
The voice down deep is
Calling me to hear
My heart that’s screaming
It is a way
To understand myself
So I'm listening
I'll fight to stay with myself
And embrace what is happening
I’ll stay with my sensations
Even though it's nauseating
I’ll experience the misery
For a taste of my humanity
I vow to stay embodied
Though it's excruciating
I know this hurts right now
But I'll be grateful for this in the end
I know this hurts right now
But I will take and pleasure once again
I stare into the mirror
At two conflicting pieces
I surrender to the burden
The inevitable discomfort
I can't avoid the turmoil
Its just part of being human
The heaviness surrounds me
I'm chained to my affection
This is not an act of service
This is my oxygen
I can’t survive without this
I've seen where that road ends
Either way I will be tortured
But this way provides a taste
Of the sweet sense of purpose
Only few embrace
I'll fight to stay with myself
And embrace what is happening
I’ll stay with my sensations
Though it’s excruciating
The sorrow is essential
To this sweet and blissful harmony
And If I can stay embodied
I’ll experience humanity
I know this hurts right now
But I'll be grateful for this in the end
I know this hurts right now
But I will take and pleasure once again.
Forgiveness
I'm born, thrive and die
All at the same time
Been killed so many times now
The truth can't be disguised
I am the condemned, the noose and the executioner
The bullet, the victim and the slaughterer
The incantation, the wand, the sorcerer
The sword, the audience and the swallower
Simultaneously
Can you feel the pain
As the life drains from my eyes?
The pain you feel is yours
Its the pain of suicide
I forgive you for destroying me
Can you see the light
As the wonder fills my eyes?
The light you see is yours
Its the reaction to your fright
Because every time you kill me
We see our indestructibility
Birth, life, death,
Rebirth, life, death,
Rebirth, life, death,
Rebirth, life, death,
Rebirth, life, death,
Rebirth, life, death,
Rebirth, life, death,
Rebirth, life, death,
REBIRTH!
Can you feel the pain
As the life drains from my eyes?
The life you see is yours
The pain is suicide
I forgive you for destroying me
Can you see the light
As the wonder fills my eyes
The light you see is you
So don't look so terrified
Because every time you kill me
We see our indestructibility
Memories Of Yesterday
(This song is dedicated to Ann Loomis and the work we do together)
I’m dreading the break of day
When memories fade away
I know what you’ll say
I know you can’t stay
My heartache’s here to stay
The burning just won’t fade
Memories of yesterday
Slowly slip away
It’s so hard to master
Judgeless witness
I’m going to the center
To let myself become this
Consumed by the burning
Swallowed by the yearning
I can never fill this
I can only feel this
I cannot fight this helpless vortex
Suck me up, swallow me whole.
It’s so hard to master
Judgeless witness
I’m going to the center
To let myself become this
Consumed by the burning
Swallowed by the yearning
I can never fill this
I can only feel this
I can never feel this hole
I can only feel this pull
I can never fill this hole
I can only feel this pulling me to pieces.
The Essence
I see that the essence
Of everything is that it is
It is harmless, it is so benign,
It is meaningless till we add the mind
I will play with all the sand,
Making castles and destroying them
It is all I want, it is all I know;
To create the world and then watch it grow
The pain is the same
As the pleasure on this level.
Don’t lose yourself
Don’t lose yourself
Give yourself to the essence
Surrender to sensation
Little pieces breaking
Falling from my throne
How’d I find myself here?
Take me to my home.
When the light of day
Seems so far away
Just give yourself to the essence
And the space between
What we are and what we see
Vanishes Instantly.
The Word Source (Feat. Bentinho Massaro)
Let’s have a look at the word Source
The word Source means that it’s not whatever you see
But that it’s the source OF whatever you see
The very word source implies that you can never find it
For whatever you find is not it
It’s the Source of whatever’s experienceable
So simply ask yourself “What is the source of my present experience?"
Return To Nothing
The barren wasteland
Is the keeper of secrets
The key to the deathless
The door to the seamless
What was I before I was
A thousand eyes and one?
What is the source
Of the roots of perception?
As the night of Brahma comes
Swallows up everything
There is life in the darkness
And the day will dawn again
This is the nature
Of eternity
This is just a fragment
Of infinity
Someday I will return to nothing
I will return to nothing
Everything turns to nothing
And I will return to nothing
Someday I will return to nothing
Everything turns to nothing
I will return to nothing
Everything will return to nothing.
Complaisance
Locked down, fading, helpless,
Dragged down by the claw
Waiting, patience draining,
I can’t take this anymore
I’m freeing myself of
The burden of needing
My only sovereignty
Is choosing my being
Will you take my hand and
Guide me to the wall?
I want to look over
The edge and take the fall
The state is always chosen but the
Decision is always mine to make
When I’m tied and frozen
There is no one but myself to blame
This is my creation and I
Made it so I could come to know pain
As I stand here crying I
Realize that I enjoy the rain.
I’m freeing myself of
The burden of needing
My only sovereignty
Is choosing my being
Flying as I’m drowning,
No difference anymore
Satisfaction is all
That I can control
CONSUMED
Curiosity innocently playing
Wanting to see all the shapes created
Judgelessly consumed by it’s own creation
Fearlessly unmoved, free of hesitation
All that is approved by its very nature
All embracing your innocent behavior
Guilt belongs to none, every thing is done by
All that is The One
THE SERPENT
You need this
It’s all for you to receive this
I’m telling you, you deserve this
We’re healing you, don’t reject this
It’s not too good to be true
The patterns on the floor
Plastered to my eyes
Now begins the show
A spectacle of sight
She will take her toll
She shows you your insides
It’s something to behold
She shows you it’s alright
The serpent
Is eating you to digest you
Purify your delusions
Piercing you and preventing
Your nourishment
The patterns on the floor
Plastered to my eyes
Now begins the show
A spectacle of sight
She will take her toll
She shows you your insides
It’s something to behold
She shows you it’s alright
Drink from
The river of the vastness
Holding you and supporting
Your position, embracing
Your entirety
The patterns on the floor
Plastered to my eyes
Now begins the show
A spectacle of sight
She will take her toll
She shows you your insides
It’s something to behold
She shows you it’s alright
Quadrant
(This song is dedicated to my parents, thank you for showing me what it means to be a human being. It is also dedicated to Alicia Patterson and Ann Loomis for providing essential support in the creation of this song.)
I can hate you, blame you, curse your name
Say that things won’t be the same
I’m leaving. You’ll never see me again
This is goodbye my friend.
If I don’t feel the hate
I will just invalidate
The terrified screaming babe
The weeping child who’s been betrayed.
Discerning all of my sensations
Turning ‘round to face within
I’m hoping I can find the patience
To hold this without caving in
I’m earning all of my redemption
I’m paying with my suffering
I’m making pain to justify this
Atone for my unconscious sins.
Looking into your eyes
Hoping I can find
Someone to help me survive
Someone to keep me alive
Hold me in your arms
Please won’t you keep me breathing
Give to me all your fears
Tell me how I am wrong
Show me what it means
To be a human being.
Human Being
Veil Of Doubt
I can see you walking through the forest in a landslide
The veil of doubt has shrouded you from seeing your potential
But you can't escape your destiny, there's nothing that you can do
To stop the cloud from bursting, to stop the dam from breaking
To stop the wave from crashing, to stop the sun from shining
I hear your voice calling me, its beaconing, Its whispering, It sings:
Can you follow me into the darkness and the light
There is no need to let fear of pain keep you from living life
But how will I survive if I let you see my insides?
I am so ashamed of all the things I've spent my life trying to hide
How could you ever look at me with so much love in your eyes?
I want to see what you see but I don't believe that its right
But I'm so tired of holding on and shielding myself
From the things I want because I am so terrified of losing them
I'm letting go of any place where I'm convinced I'm right
I'm ready to see the darkness is embraced all the time
Well freedom is not painless but it sure is paradise
I am feeling everything because its all a part of the ride.
As it softens, its deepening.